Conflicting natures

So I failed in my promise to write more. I have all these ideas, topics, and posts that I want to write about, but I fail to make time to write them. Yesterday was a very thought provoking day for me. I had an hour or so to just sit and think. I thought a lot about what I want my life to be about. You see dear readers, I'm facing a dilemma, a crisis of identity so to speak. I have no idea who I want to be or what I want my life to be about. Of course there is the obvious Christian answer, that I want my life to be about bringing the most glory to God that I possibly can. I'm more than happy to do that. But what do I want to do in the day to day activities of my life? As I've said before, I'm a man of passion for ideas, a man who seeks virtue, a defender of the Western Civilization tradition. I would like nothing more than to spend my life talking with people who are interested in these ideas, who are competent enough in their scholarship to challenge me, introduce me to great books, and sharpen my academic ability. But here my readers is where I face my problem. When your passion out weighs your ability what course can be taken? Do I buy into the maxim "You can do anything you set your mind to" or do I realize that passion may not be enough, that academic prowess has to be coupled with that passion. I desperately seek a life of intellectual stimulation, and yet find my path to success blocked by my own failures and lack of confidence. I just don't know where to go from here. I graduate in two months, and have no idea what I am going to do with the education that I have received. I find myself day dreaming about working for an institution that lets me engage in discussion with like minded individuals, lamenting the decline of higher education in the states, or the decay of Western Civilization, but a reality check is just around the corner. I'm not a writer, I don't have the speaking or analytical skills of a professor. I don't even maintain this blog!

Everything I mentioned above are thoughts that have been racing through my mind these last couple months. I came to the conclusion that I wanted something more. I didn't want to waste the rest of my education. I wanted to pour myself into my studies. And like any idealist, I probably will get all fired up, and then next week, it will fade as I forget my ideals and passions and trade them in for a 2 hour gaming session. But I want to be better than I am. I want to blog everyday, I want to read and write every day. I don't want to be like most people in America, to wrapped up in their pursuit of instant gratification and entertainment to care about anything removed from their lives. I want to be like Philip Vickers Fithian, improving myself everyday, climbing the hill top of intellectual stimulation only to see higher hills that need conquering. I won't settle for what culture says is normal, I won't settle for ignorance, I WON'T, I WON'T, I WON'T!